For some reason, it seems no matter what the discussion, when it involves some mothers, it's competitive. Whether you are just meeting up with a new mom friend or chatting with an old buddy it seems you always end up comparing. The competition sometimes begins even before the baby is born. No matter how difficult someone's pregnancy is, to them, someone else always has it worse.
All this competitiveness gets worse after the baby is born. It seems most moms these days are always trying to prove that their child is more advanced whether it be mentally or physically. And it can be hard to resist getting in on it. Some women can be absolutely remorseless in this sport called parenting. Those most extreme seem to relish in voicing their opinions about your parenting(or anyone else's for that matter). Loudly. Try not to get caught up or before you know it you might be rummaging through Chapter's buying teach your child French or Sign-Language for fear that he or she doesn't get left behind.
Experts say that often times moms will make competitive comments to boost their own confidence, so try and keep this in mind. It isn't about the kids at all, but an effort to reassure oneself that they are doing a good job.
This trend is said to be occurring on both sides of the work force. Moms who stay home feel that their kids should be excelling because they are home to teach them things, and moms who work feel that their kids should be advanced as a manner of reassurance that they can juggle it all, and that going to work was the right decision. For moms who stay home, try and enjoy the time you have with your baby and stop worrying about developmental milestones. For moms who had to go back to work, keep in mind that it was a necessary step for your family, and that your child isn't going to be left behind.
Apparently this kind of motherly chat can be damaging to the child as well as stressful to the whole family. They might develop the perception that they have to perform and succeed in order to be accepted and loved. Some experts even believe that this child reasoning is behind the high rates of eating disorders and such illnesses in middle and even elementary school levels.
So, what's a mom to do? Well, if you are seriously concerned that your child is not developing properly call your pediatrician. If you don't think it's that serious try and relax about it, and next time you are about to talk to or be around other moms known for being competitive about who's child is smarter or more advanced, prepare yourself, and try not to get caught up in it. It doesn't bother your child if their little friend does something first, so don't let it bother you either. If your mom pal starts up, change the subject. And since you know the cause of it, try and give her just what she wants, tell her she is doing a great job, you might just nip it in the bud.
15 comments:
I stay away from those moms. In fact, just last week someone started in about where their child was percentile-wise for height and weight and I just walked away. Seriously, do I care how big your kid is? Nope. My girl is destined to be, politically speaking, vertically challenged. Deal with it. Does it make it better if you child is an inch taller than mine or 2lbs lighter/heavier? Again, nope.
i dont think id really say its competitiveness... i mean parents are usually proud of their kids.
I have met some moms who are like this. They constantly compare their child to yours. I have learnt that the best way to deal with it is when they start going on about their child and trying to compare them to yours, I just don't say much. Then they have nothing to keep the conversation going. I think there is a difference between talking about your child because you are a proud parent and constantly being in competition with someone.
i guess thats true too... im not sure realy i have a lot of people friends and otherwise always mentioning what they're child can say or do and i just chalk it up to being happy and proud of their kid. where most children a year younger than annabelle can do more than she does id really just feel misserable if i t hought of it as them comparing their kids to her so i guess i really dont think of it as that...
This is what I consider competitive. A friend of mine called me up and talked for 20 mins about he child, what she bought him, and how this was the new "it" toy, and how he was doing this and doing that, and for like 20 mins, I never got a word in edge wise. It was insane. At the end of her long rant she was like, "oh well you are probably busy ... Bye." The only words I had said were yep or oh yeah, because she would not stop talking about he and her son. Thats what I consider talking it too far, because this would happen all the time.
but isn't that more...i dunno self-centereed i guess..just like if you took away the kids and the friend just called up talked about her self and then let you go? plus i found too that when you stay home with your kid all the time...you really dont have much else to talk about..? i dont maybe it is competitiveness like i said its a bit different... since the things myf riends talk about their kids its stuff annabelle hasn't even come close to doing..but at the same time when she does play with a certain toy i would talk about it a lot.. because its a HUGE thing for her.. so i guess its a bit different..
It is always nice to have someone to share your thoughts with. If your friend has called to praise about her son, then listen, tomorrow call her and brag about your's. That's what friends are for. When kids are little they get weighed every month. It's nice to say that so and so is such a height. I think it's ridiculous that you would just walk away from her. It isn't a throw it in your face conversation. I'm sure The friend certinaly didn't expect to be insulted on a post because of her comment.
Dealing with parents is part of the territory when having kids. Infact it becomes more impotant to have conversations with parents as your child gets older. You are not going to send your child for a playdate without speaking to the parents first. It would be nice to know that they have lots of postive things to say about their kid.
No... I think talking about your own child to anyone or other parents is great. Like I said, there is a difference between being proud and being competitive. What I found to be wrong was all she talked about was her child and never asked How are you or anything like that. She constantly compares my son to her child. There is nothing wrong with talking about your child, but when you call me up and only talk about yourself/child and does not let another person get a word in, I think it is rude. Maybe I am too harsh, but its what I think.
And it is not about playing with a certian toy its about talking about toys that she thinks all kids have to have or their parents are good.
Consider me backward, but my child is not an object to me. He is special and I don't like him being viewed as a dog in some contest and thats how this person makes not just me about a lot people feel.
But I am happy if you have never met someone like this before.
Hey Amanda...
I don't think you should write anyone off because of one comment. However, I do not want my son to get the feeling like he needs to measure up to someone else, that he can't just be himself, or that he has to have different material possesions to compete with other children. I am not about that at all, and I won't instill that in my child.
Therefore, after repeatitive behavior (actions and comments) is when I will choose that a person in not healthy for me or my son to be around. Like I said there is nothing wrong about talking about your own child - I do my fair share of it because I am proud of my son. However, there are times when people cross the line and that is when I think it is reasonable to bow out and not engage in that competitive game.
If you feel insulted by "HER" then it is best to stop being her friend. Be honest and ask her to stop calling.
I'm not sure if you've talked her about it, but, you are obvisouly not proud to call her a friend. So get rid of her.
You shouldn't let people bother you like that. It's not important.
We have talked about it and she knows how I feel. I would never want to hurt anyone, but I do believe in honesty and after we left it on good terms.
There are going to be things about almost everyone that people are not going to like, because no one is perfect - I don't think she is a bad person and it might just be her personality, but the way I see it is that it is that there things I will not support or put up with and that is one because I have someone who watches what I do, and like I said I want Micah to feel free to be himself and not feel presured to conform to other peoples desires.
If you don't know any competitive moms then great! You talk about what you know, and I have known both so I am talking from experience. If your experience is difference then great, I can respect that.
I think there's a huge difference between comparison and competition. It's normal and healthy to talk to other parents about what your child is or isn't doing and it's fun to share your child's developmental milestones with your friends and have them do the same with you.
My friends always ask how much my baby weighs or how my son is doing with potty training and I do the same sorts of things with them. It's called taking an interest in your friends and their kids...we don't sit around and say well MY kid can do this and yours CAN'T neener neener neener you suck at life. That's what I see as competitive and I don't see myself as being friends with someone like that for very long. But if you feel like another mom is trying to "show you up" simply by sharing something their child has said or done then maybe you should look at why YOU feel that way. Why is an honest little statement like "guess how much my baby weighs!" or "yay! he slept through the night already!" or whatever it may be, puts you on edge. I think the parents who feel like those simple statements are competitive may be feeling a little inadequate.
I think that its hard to not feel inadequate! People are soo overly concerned with wha milestones there child is reaching and if they are not right on, the parent feels axiety, its really sad if you ask me. For example I was at playgroup the other day and a mom I know was there and was embarassed that her 9 month old daughter wont drink out of a sippy cup and wont hold it on her own. that just seems sad to me that she is so concerned about it. i say just enjoy your little one becasue once the teen years come things will be verrrry differnt.
yah thats pretty silly..
I love to talk about how smart my kids are, im very proud of my kids but they are not perfect, no one is and sometimes its nice to no what other kids there age are doing, not to compare but just to see what we can work on.
I feel that as long as the kids are happy and healthy thats what matters most. I prase my kids alot when they are doing something good even the smallest thing and I dont force them to learn something because some other kids know it.
Lets step back a bit and let them be kids, school is so hard these days and I think that is enough stress for a child. What kids are learning in grade 1 I was taught in like grade 3 or 4 so sure teach them ABC and counting but make it fun for them.
Post a Comment