"I am 22 and I am thinking about having a baby.
I am engaged and have been for 7 months, we have been together for 2 years and I know he is the one. He is quite a bit older than I am and has a young girl from a previous relationship whom he is great with, and although the girl lives with her mother, he is very involved in her life and she lives with us every second weekend.
I am still in university, and I have one full year left and then some courses to make up the following year... I took some time off right after high school and started university a bit later.
I feel that I have 'partied' enough, and am ready to begin that next phase of my life. My fiance's daughter is amazing, and watching her grow and learn has been completely life-altering for me. I want to experience that with a little one of my own.
I know I am ready emotionally, and financially our situation has changed for the better in the past few months. I just wonder about what my parents and other family members would think, because I am still in school and unmarried.
Any suggestions?"
-Anonymous
Related Topics:
Planned VS Unplanned Children
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15 comments:
I'm not exactly sure what it is you're looking for anyone to tell you. It's your life and only you and your partner can decide if now is the right time to have a baby. There is no rule saying you need to be married or have a degree in order to have children. Those things can come before, during or after children come into your life. Myself, I got pregnant with my first pretty much on my wedding night (maybe even before) and I was pregnant with him all throughout my last year of nursing school and had him 9 days after I finished my preceptorship (kind of like an internship) and it was NOT an easy task! Lots of girls I was in school with had their babies during the summer months and then came back to school part time or full time and brought their babies with them to class. The nursing faculty was very accomodating for that sort of thing. If you really want to do it, it can be done. It might not be easy, but then again it never is no matter what your situation in life.
I wouldnt be worried about not being married. The amount of people not being married and having kids is the highest it has ever been.
It is weird how we always look up to our parents for approval of what we do. but when it comes down to it. it IS your life and you are the one that will be taking care of this baby, NOT them. The longer you wait the worse it is risk-wise for you and the baby, so I am a big fan of young moms. You have a lot of time left to get your degree and get married on the other hand.
You sound like you know what you want. Is it the same for your partner? Having a baby is a life changing experiennce..and is not the same as having his daughter every other weekend. The first few months with a new baby can be rough...but it only gets better. I was in a situation that was very similar to yours. But, my husbands daughter lived with us full-time and I was about 26 when we got together. Only you can decide what is best for yourself. I am glad we took our time and made the transitions slowly...dating, moving in together, marriage and finally a new baby...we did all of this over a 4 year period of time. I feel it was helpful to my stepdaughter as it was not change after change for her but she was an important part in all out decisions. Do what is best for yourself and those involved but don't rush.
I think the point you make is very good. The first few months are VERY hard. Babies at that age are soo needy. and it is much different than just having a child on the weekend.
How long have you and your man been together?
We've been together 5 years now. Married for 19 months and we have a 9 month old. I am glad to have waited until I was older to have children...I had no idea how much work a newborn really is. Not that I am suggesting you wait until 30 like me but I know that for myself(everyone is different) I could not have raised my child as well at 22-24 as now.
(original poster)
My fiance lived with his daughter and was her primary caregiver while her mother was attending school until she was three. Upon their breakup, she was given custody and him, being a man and all, could not really do much about it as she is a fit mother. So he takes his daughter, now eight, every second weekend and more often during the summer. It is hard on him not being able to have her in his life more, and he is VERY excited to have another baby. He supports my decision either way, whether I want to start trying now, or later on.
I guess what I was looking for in my posting here was how young moms are finding raising their kids while still being in school... I can't forsee it being any harder than raising kids while in a career. I am currently working at a place where I can get mat leave also, which helps too.
Thanks for all of your input. I appreciate the stories and comments.
Well, I am 22 and have 2 kids under 2. I don't find it overly difficult. I mean don't get me wrong I have my bad days and some are worse than others, but that is just like any job right?? I do not go to university or college, and I don't work out of the home, but I run this household, keep it clean, keep everyone fed, happy, and run this website, which all together, in my opinion, IS a full time job, because my job doesn't end on weekends, or at 6 o'clock. It is a 24/7 time consumer depending on the standards you hold for yourself and home. :)
im a student mother and to be honest i find it much easier than working full time! she is in daycare all day an di do my homework during the day when im not in class then pick her up and i have free time all night. i find working fulltime days is a bit harder because the days are longer then you have to come home and do every day stuff at home while in school i can do the cleaning during the day. so i dont find it very hard my daughter is almost 3 and im also a single mother so that doesn't include the help of a spouse either.
Are you planning on continuing to study after the baby is born or take a term or two off? I have never been a student while with a child but I know that they are only little for such a short time. This past year being on mat. leave has been the best experience I have ever had. I would give up a moment of the time I have had with my daughter. My friends think it is a little crazy how much time I spend with her. I have never left her for more than 4 hours at a time and I could count on one hand the amount of times I have not been with her. My opinion is she is only going to be a little, tiny baby once so I am going to take advantage of this time while I have it. I am going back to work in Sept. and I know that it will be harder on me than her. I hope you make a decison that is best for yourself..everyone is different in their wants and needs.
(original poster)
If I do decide to become pregnant in the next few months, I am only going to try from now until Nov-Dec, to have the baby be born in May-July '08 so that I would definitely have a few months off to try and get into a routine with the baby (if that be the case... I know babies typically choose their own routines lol). That would mean I could continue to work and attend my last FULL year of school this year (sept '07-april '08) and then the '08'09 school year I would only be part-time anyway (two classes one semester, three the next). I do plan on pursuing a Master's degree at some point as well, but that also does not need to be right away. It may be easier to do the rest of my schooling once our child is of school-age him or herself.
Heather, you have highlighted the exact reason why I am really considering having children now; school schedules are much more flexible than a work schedule, and if you need to miss a class or two, professors are usually okay with it as long as you give them a valid excuse. In a workplace, missing time is missing labour for your employer.
I definitely admire any mother such as yourself, Jess, who can keep a home, keep your sanity, and raise two children under age two. I know after the weekends with my fiance's daughter I am exhausted! It is fun but definitely tiring and I understand and appreciate that. I just feel like I will have more energy as a young mom than I would in, say, 8 years when all of my schooling is done and I am working full time.
Once again, thanks for the comments.
Hello!
I am student and I have 3 years of university completed. I have a son who is 16 months and I am due for my second child this october. My second year of univeristy I was pregnant and wrote all 3 exams two days before I gave birth. My 3rd year of university I went full time again and was a new mother. This year I am taking the fall off to have our second child and then returning in Janurary to finish my first degree.
My thoughts are - I would not have did it any other way. My son is amazing and everyday I live seems more special because he is in it. There is never going to be a perfect time to have children... people always seem to want a bigger house, nicer car, and blah blah blah before they have kids, but the truth is there will never be an absolute perfect time to have kids.
I will say this though - it was harder to be pregnant and go to school then it was to go to school as a mother. That was because I was sick everyday for the first 4 months and getting in and out of those tiny desks is hard with a big belly. But after my son came my husband would take him out for a drive or watch him in the other room if I needed to write a paper or study. Having his support meant a lot. I also brought my son to class with me a few times when my sitter was sick or if I needed to for other reasons. I kept good grades when I was pregnant and after I became a mother. Although, there is the temptation to play with your baby all the time, but if you work hard and have the support of your partner it can work out well.
As well, just because you have kids does not mean you will be worse off finacially. We just bought our first home and things have gotten better financially since we had our son.
This has been my experience so I thought I would share, I realize it is not the same for everyone. My families only concern with us having children was that they wanted to see me finish school. Once people see that you can have children and stay in school they begin not to worry about it as much. You have no idea how many times I hear .... "Going to school and being a mom... wow that must be hard." or "Your having another baby and still plan on finishing your school, thats going to be really hard." It is annoying because most people saying these things have never done it. When you start to believe what they tell you then it does seem hard. You know your own capablities, but from my experience having my son has made my life - every aspect of it - even my university- somehow much better. Anyways, the choice is yours thats just my experience and some of the things I faced.
I thought I would add one more thing. I always made my shedule so that would be done by noon everyday... so i only had a few hours each day that I needed a sitter. As well since I gave birth right after my final exams I had 4 1/2 months off in the summer to be home with my son all day. It was great!!!
I think it makes things better Robyn because you're not doing any of these things for yourself primarily anymore. You're doing it for your child. So that they have a nice clean home, and food on the table, and toys, and other such luxuries. It is completely selfless.
I had this same thought a few weeks ago, but my situation is a bit different. I'm 21, married, a student at UNB, and financially stable. Since I have gotten married almost two months ago, my husband and I are thinking more and more about children, but stop when we think of how hard it would be for two working students to take care of a baby. We COULD do it if we had a baby, but would prefer to wait until we can give our child our undivided attention. Having a baby is the biggest commitment you can make (besides getting married).
Whatever you decide to do I hope you are happy with your decision =)
-Tam
The only advice Im going to give you is to put your name in daycares ASAP (as in white trying to conceive) because sometimes its really hard to get childcare (especially a daycare center) in Fredericton.
I'm another student and I will say that I found it a lot harder to be in school than working, when I worked I had evenings to clean and get some things done, while I'm in school I'm in class almost all the time (M-W-F I go 8:30-5:30 with only an hour off) so I dont get all my homework done during the day, a lot of it has to be done at night. My husband is also not here helping me out, he works out in Calgary .
That being said, obviously it still can be done, we're expecting our second which was planned, I'm just saying that personally I find it harder during the school year than during the summer, different faculty could also have to do with it!
Good luck in your decision
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